I had my official in-office farewell today at Locus. It was a quaint gathering organized by our CHO (let’s see if you can find out what this term means). We had a couple of cakes that I couldn’t eat (thanks to Bangalore weather caused phlegm), a couple of people that cared about me and a couple people amiss. I gave an underwhelming farewell speech, with a smile on my face grinning eye to eye. So hard was the smile that my cheek muscle twitched publicly multiple times when I tried to smile a few seconds later. It hurt to force a smile in the first place on my farewell. It also hurt to see the lack of people that turned up on my farewell. It also didn’t feel good that almost no one took time to speak about their experiences with me. Was it because of how the entire farewell was conducted? Or was it because no one really cares about me?
I am central to my life. I am the center of my story. I might have motivations that are more benevolent but I still remain the center of whatever I think whenever I think. Self-obsessed in a weird way…I am a little crazy that way. My inner mind is at least. It is all encompassing and judges everything I do, now a little less than before (thank god!). Is my gait masculine enough? Am I wiping the sweat off of my face correctly? Why is everyone always staring at me? And if no one is, then why not? What is wrong? There always has to be something wrong is what my inner minds directs me to think. Tiredness is how I pay my mind back for its valuable feedback.
However, post the anticlimactic farewell, I did have a couple of one on ones with a few people whose company I cherish and honestly, that meant the world to me. That hit me where it should have. Told me, that I belong. I belong with at least someone at the very least. Funnily enough I write this from my friend’s place where I am staying over for a day. I shouldn’t be complaining.
Leaving my flatmates was also a weirdly emotional experience. They came till the cab to drop me and hugged me. We bid goodbyes multiple times and all of it felt organic and pure. Whatever our interactions had been, they had been good, pure, and organic. Nothing like in an office setup over trivial small talk with a certain forced laughter. Makes me wonder, what am I looking for? What sort of people do I wanna spend time with and wanna get to know? Also, I have never experienced this sort of a male bonding, however light it was. I liked it and it felt nice.
One thing I learnt was that you have to be vulnerable with others, no matter the person’s gender, to actually form a decent friend. You have to be YOU, no matter how “judgey” you are of yourself and others. You have to let yourself out. Talk about stuff that matters to you, engage in talks about things that matter to other people, and learn to reveal yourself through your discussions. Being vulnerable in a conversation allows a a beautiful interplay of where and on whom the limelight falls as the limelight keeps on slowly revealing the person underneath to people around that person. I felt accepted, free, and complete after a long time. This was something that I didn’t know could happen even after the scant talks that me and my flatmates had engaged in. Wow….tearing up haha.
Thanks everyone who has cared and allowed me to care about them. I owe you all some.